For most people sex is a fundamental part of life. People enjoy it. Everyone says a healthy relationship has sex. Sex is healthy.
But, for me it is terrifying. Only a handful of times have been enjoyable. The rest are sad and remind me that I have a problem. It’s scary and brings me shame. This shame stems from avoiding sex and not enjoying it. I haven’t had sex in months and I don’t have a desire to. God, I wish I could be different. 
I love my fiancé and I want to spend my life with him… I want to wake up with him every morning. I love him more than my own life. I cannot give him what he deserves or needs. I can’t perform the one thing that defines human existence. I lack the connection, I am subhuman.
Part of me feels like the fairest this is to let him go. Let him find a woman to marry that can give him a family. He’s always wanted that and I want that for him too. I don’t want him to give up on children because I cannot have them, let alone take care of myself completely. He’d be sad, but he’d heal.
He takes care of me, he pays my bills, buys my food, and spoils me. He does this because he loves me. But it is unfair. I am unfair. I am greedy to want to hold on. But, I cannot let go.
He insists that he wants only me. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t know better. He’d find a better life without me… 
We keep this on the hush. It’s too embarrassing for me to talk about. The shame I feel has no bounds…


One thought on “Sub-human

  1. You are not subhuman.
    Feelings of fear and shame surrounding sex are very common both on and off the spectrum.
    Is it possible that these feelings stem from sensory issues or your upbringing? I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but these are common causes. As someone on the spectrum, I found sex very frightening and uncomfortable for a long time, but I finally managed to work through these feels by addressing the root cause.

    In any case, I wish you the best, and I urge you not to blame yourself or feel inadequate, it’s clear from what you write that it’s not your fault you feel this way.

    Liked by 1 person

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