Sometime, in moments of weakness, I wonder if Autism is really a curse. I mean you hear all this shit from Autism Speaks. What if they’re right. I have no empathy….I have a hard time connecting to others and can only feel it I’ve gone through the same thing. I do feel bad when someone tells me their kid is sick, but shouldn’t I feel it stronger. Am I really not empathetic? It’s true I can’t look people in the eye without panic. Why do I feel so scared right now?
When it comes to relating with people on a social level I always feel that I am holding myself back. I do say thinks that make people uncomfortable and offended. Failing is even more discouraging. When I fail I go into myself. I berate myself over what was said or done. I feel an intense need to apologize; the need intensifies if I cannot. This leads to self anger. It bottles up inside till I explode. Then it’s crying for hours and anxiety attacks.
It’s true that I am often not aware of what goes on around me. I just jump out on the street without looking, and I do it over and over never learning my lesson. I’m afraid that not having fear of of danger will kill me. I have been in so many accidents and my clumsiness knows no bounds. We have 4 flights of stairs and I fall at least once a month. I really want a house without that killer incline.
There are also things that I will never be able to learn. Algebra, chemistry, and physics are my undoing. In high school I had to take algebra twice and still barely passed. Honestly doing any math at all causes so much anxiety I can’t think.
I mean look at me, I am a loner and prefer to have it that way. I have struggled with intimacy my whole life. It has hindered relationships with others. I mean it’s nearly impossible to function in a relationship when sex makes you avoidant. I love my fiancé but sometimes think he’d be better off with someone else.
Then we get to motivation. It is something that just doesn’t come natural to me. It’s hard work. I just feel so lazy. When I think about doing things around the house I feel anxiety. I end up curled up uncomfortably in bed. So, I feel like a loser and a bad partner. Sometimes I force myself to do work and cooking but those times are few. I wonder if I rely on people too much. I’ve always been taken care of. Is that a bad thing? I’ve tried so hard to be independent. I’ve worked retail for 10 years, but I burn out so quickly I end up tired and sick. Insurance, copays, medicine, and therapy are really expensive.
So I have to work really hard to earn. I tend to keep it inside, eventually it back logs and I’ll start puking twice a day due to unprocessed stimuli. It build up like dirty laundry, holding me down struggling for breath.
Money management is my downfall. I can never seem to budget. This comes with the impulsivity part of Autism. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken classes on money management. It just doesn’t click in my head. Never has.
I have so many questions… Sometimes Am I actually living a full life? I wonder if my parents life would have been better without me? What if I’m not supposed to have friends? Is the love I feel real or imagined. Am I empty, why do I feel emotionally exhausted? What will happen to me when my loved ones die? Will I be able to take a stand? Will I even make it through the grief? Why did this happen to me?
I guess sometimes I kick myself when I am down. And I just want a shirt that say, “be patient with me, I’m Autistic.” Like warning so people can give me a wide berth. To avoid my weirdness. Why should I ruin another persons day?
Some days I just feel like giving in and letting it win. Today is one of those days….