I was in a room of student teachers the other day after work. They were talking about a student who cries everyday. She said she didn’t know what was wrong with him. “He must have a touch of Aspergers,” she said. And everyone in the room burst out laughing. I sat there feeling angry and ashamed that I didn’t say anything. I wanted to tell them that they had hurt my feelings, but I couldn’t speak up. Now, I just imagine what I could have said to shock them into shutting up. Am I a joke?
When people think of Aspergers, they. see mostly men who live in their mothers basement. They see nerds wearing fedoras and playing video games. people don’t really ever think of women with Aspergers. But if they do they see a nerdy tomboy without makeup or girly clothing. but I want people to know the truth. I spent most of my life being bullied physically and emotionally. I was suicidal from this. But I have worked hard learning to fit in to the point I appear normal. But I’m not. I have terrible anxiety, I have a routine I stick to or I get freaked out. Socializing is incredibly hard and I usually end up not talking because its hard to read people. Once you get to know me you can see it. I think very logically, I separate emotion from logic when making a decision, if I can make one at all. I’m clumsy and have very little hand eye coordination. I fall a lot. Sometimes I fall non-verbal and my brain can’t get words to my mouth. It’s like a train going off the tracks. I do rock and flap like many Autistic do. I cover my ears to normal noises because they hurt. Lights give me migraines and my skin is dull to pain. I could bleed and not notice it. Yes, I have Aspergers and I have an eye for color, shape, texture and patterns. My obsession is makeup and vintage clothes. I want people to change their expectations of how I should look. I no longer want to hear, “you dont look Autistic.” Challenge your expectations. I am Autistic and beautiful.