Airing Out Dirty Laundry

I’ve  always based my self-worth on what people think of me. Who likes me or who loves me.  My partner is this so I must be also. It felt like bragging rights. I wanted people to admire me.  Growing up my father always told me how smart and pretty I was. He said I could get a smart man with money. I was supposed to be taken care of.  Recently, I’ve been having these feelings again and they bother me. Honestly, they terrify me.  

Part of it is thinking I was better than others because of who I’ve been with. I was better than others and lately this false belief almost made me lose the man I love.  He is truly my equal. He loves me, problems and all, we support each other in hard times, we understand each other, and we’re on the same wavelength.  

When we are together I never think this way. I feel content and happy. It’s when I’m alone these thoughts sneak up on me. They make me sick and I obsess about them to no end. (I have OCD) I want my mind to be quieter and stop pushing these thoughts forward.  Sometimes they are so strong I believe them…but I still fight.  I have to know that they aren’t real and they are thoughts that distress me the most. OCD thought aren’t real and that’s the only belief that gets me through life. Don’t believe them EVER! You will lose control.

I want to challenge this broken way of thinking and become that much healthier in my mind. I want to find balance. I am not above others. Everyone has equal worth in this world. I know one man can not be everything I need, he’s human. I’m human and I accept that I can’t be everything to everybody, no matter what my mind tells me.