“You don’t look Autistic.”

When people think of Aspergers, they. see mostly men who live in their mothers basement. They see nerds wearing fedoras and playing video games. people don’t really ever think of women with Aspergers. But if they do they see a nerdy tomboy without makeup or girly clothing. but I want people to know the truth. I spent most of my life being bullied physically and emotionally. I was suicidal from this. But I have worked hard learning to fit in to the point I appear normal. But I’m not. I have terrible anxiety, I have a routine I stick to or I get freaked out. Socializing is incredibly hard and I usually end up not talking because its hard to read people. Once you get to know me you can see it. I think very logically, I separate emotion from logic when making a decision, if I can make one at all. I’m clumsy and have very little hand eye coordination. I fall a lot. Sometimes I fall non-verbal and my brain can’t get words to my mouth. It’s like a train going off the tracks. I do rock and flap like many Autistic do. I cover my ears to normal noises because they hurt. Lights give me migraines and my skin is dull to pain. I could bleed and not notice it. Yes, I have Aspergers and I have an eye for color, shape, texture and patterns. My obsession is makeup and vintage clothes. I want people to change their expectations of how I should look. I no longer want to hear, “you dont look Autistic.” Challenge your expectations. I am Autistic and beautiful.


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Diagnosing Neurotypical Disorder.

this post is tongue in cheek.

There is a disorder that many Autistics are aware of. It is commonly known as Neurotypical Disorder, also know as NTD. Their behaviors remain baffling to us. Communication remains taxing. Here is a brief overview of these behaviors.

People with this disorder use emotion to make decisions, are often irrational, and have trouble with ‘literal’ conversation. Their drive is social. They have a mysterious language that isn’t understandable to Autistics.  Neurotypicals can communicate with a look and often say one thing and mean another. Accompanied with this is a high incidence of lying and evasiveness. 

Neurotypicals are preoccupied with social concerns often are rigid in their social conventions. Conformity runs rampant. They have certain rituals that bond them to a group. Other people are viewed as extensions of themselves. Sufferers often believe that their experiences and beliefs are the right ones. Differences are not tolerated and feared.
There appears to be a social hierarchy that they live by.  The NT with the most stuff wins.  There is a “social ladder” that they strive to “climb.” Either with sex, education, money, small talk, or careers. They are in constant competition.  Being higher on this “ladder” makes you a more important person.
Mating seems to be their primary focus. They have specific dances they utilize to attract a mate. Often drunk and with deafening electronic music they “shake that thang” to garner attention. If ones perceived attractiveness of another is less than that perceived of themselves they will strongly and rudely reject the possible mate.  This leaves room for indignation. And many NTs don’t get “laid.”
The way they perceive to world is often narrow and they insist that they are correct even when the evidence goes against them, and often refuting other valid options. NTs have issue with detail and often think too abstractly. They miss seeing parts of the whole and ignore small details. Their observation skills leave much to be desired.
Sadly, there is no known treatment or cure for this disorder. All we can do is remain patient and work with them ensure healthy development.  Accepting them and trying to understand them may make them more comfortable among us Autistic people.
I hope to further my research by studying their drinking and mating habits. I believe much can be learned about how they communicate.  Hopefully, one day we may come to understand Neurotypicals.

The Way We Think.

“Let us consider that we are all insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles…”
                                                                                         Mark Twain

I am a Bottom-up thinker. I must group specific concepts together to form a larger idea.  Specific to general. For Autistic people abstraction and generalizations present trouble.  “I can not see the forest for the trees,” is a prime example of what I mean. I see the individual trees, individual leaves, different textures of bark, and all the colors present. Once I take that all in then I can start to conceptualize the forest.

I always have to focus on one step of a larger problem. Once I complete it to my satisfaction I will move on. I do this while eating all the time. Meat first, then vegetables and finally the starch. That’s what I consider a meal.  Even if it’s mixed together I will pull it apart.
Being a visual thinker, pictures are employed in my thought processes.  Words are less concrete and hold little substance.  I think more in pictures than words . One word can have multiple meanings or examples. The word “cat” illicits many pictures. I don’t see a concept of a cat. I see different breeds and even individual cats.  The more examples I have the better I conceptualize. 

 It’s much like a puzzle, I fill in here, I fill in there until I can see the image.

Socialization is also carried out in defined, separate steps. Autistics use logic to work out socializations and emotion can be separated from the issue. We have emotion but we also have the ability to compartmentalize.

For me to interact with you I must scan my brain for a similar experience.  Then I must consider all the possible outcomes. Finally, I will make the most logical decision for the situation.

For example, I have to plan my conversations ahead of time. I see a person I know, then I see the topics that they like or relevant news and then I choose to most logical thing to discuss or relevant way to act. Otherwise, hurr durr awkward moment or I will accidentally say something in a blunt, to the point way that will offend you. 

Also, please don’t expect me to know your name unless youve told me a dozen times. I do not see faces with discernible detail and all persons with a similar physicality look the same to me. I mean ALL people. I could never describe you to a sketch artist. I usually put names to a voice or hair. I can’t tell Keira Knightly from Natalie Portman. I only know that you have a nose, lips and two eyes. I am face blind.

Things that surprise or shock me throws me off. When I am surprised I get so nervous I forget how to react properly. This means, never ever, ever, ever sneak up on me. It’s like having a mini heart attack. This results in not having time to think about outcomes and I come across as rigid or confused.  I’m thinking one thing and showing a vague unidentifiable expression that isn’t congruent to how I feel. It takes a lot of work to keep myself synchronized.  

 The moral of this story is understand that we are different. Do not expect the same interactions as with NTs. You will not receive what you expect. But if you take the time to get to know how we work then we will make sense.  Opposite isn’t a bad thing.