Airing Out Dirty Laundry

I’ve  always based my self-worth on what people think of me. Who likes me or who loves me.  My partner is this so I must be also. It felt like bragging rights. I wanted people to admire me.  Growing up my father always told me how smart and pretty I was. He said I could get a smart man with money. I was supposed to be taken care of.  Recently, I’ve been having these feelings again and they bother me. Honestly, they terrify me.  

Part of it is thinking I was better than others because of who I’ve been with. I was better than others and lately this false belief almost made me lose the man I love.  He is truly my equal. He loves me, problems and all, we support each other in hard times, we understand each other, and we’re on the same wavelength.  

When we are together I never think this way. I feel content and happy. It’s when I’m alone these thoughts sneak up on me. They make me sick and I obsess about them to no end. (I have OCD) I want my mind to be quieter and stop pushing these thoughts forward.  Sometimes they are so strong I believe them…but I still fight.  I have to know that they aren’t real and they are thoughts that distress me the most. OCD thought aren’t real and that’s the only belief that gets me through life. Don’t believe them EVER! You will lose control.

I want to challenge this broken way of thinking and become that much healthier in my mind. I want to find balance. I am not above others. Everyone has equal worth in this world. I know one man can not be everything I need, he’s human. I’m human and I accept that I can’t be everything to everybody, no matter what my mind tells me.

Advertisements

Words of Wisdom. Things I have learned through a life with Autism.

One must take the idea of what their life should be, rip it up, and live what their life really is. You do not live your life for the opinion of others. Do what feels right. That’s is healing. 

We are allowed to mess up, it’s human, you must realize that every human makes decisions they are not proud of, and people that are good for us will forgive and understand.

We can only control ourselves and sometimes when we try to control others, we lose what we love.

Don’t let someone else dictate your normal.

I feel that the best things you can do are, live from moment to moment, be ok with your feeling because they’re natural, just let yourself feel, remember you’re not alone, and tomorrow is a new day. The sun always rises.

Life is a state of impermanence, death is not. Enjoy life the best you know how.

  Tickle people when you can.

Sub-human

For most people sex is a fundamental part of life. People enjoy it. Everyone says a healthy relationship has sex. Sex is healthy.
But, for me it is terrifying. Only a handful of times have been enjoyable. The rest are sad and remind me that I have a problem. It’s scary and brings me shame. This shame stems from avoiding sex and not enjoying it. I haven’t had sex in months and I don’t have a desire to. God, I wish I could be different. 
I love my fiancé and I want to spend my life with him… I want to wake up with him every morning. I love him more than my own life. I cannot give him what he deserves or needs. I can’t perform the one thing that defines human existence. I lack the connection, I am subhuman.
Part of me feels like the fairest this is to let him go. Let him find a woman to marry that can give him a family. He’s always wanted that and I want that for him too. I don’t want him to give up on children because I cannot have them, let alone take care of myself completely. He’d be sad, but he’d heal.
He takes care of me, he pays my bills, buys my food, and spoils me. He does this because he loves me. But it is unfair. I am unfair. I am greedy to want to hold on. But, I cannot let go.
He insists that he wants only me. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t know better. He’d find a better life without me… 
We keep this on the hush. It’s too embarrassing for me to talk about. The shame I feel has no bounds…

Light, Eye Contact, and Zen.

As I was being driven to the museum the other day I saw a billboard advertising pigment removal for your eyes. It only costs $5,000! ( sarcasm) The nice thing about eyes with higher pigmentation is the ability to deal with the sun. Blue eyes are the least tolerant.

~~~~~~~~~~

The sun is a wonderful thing. It gives warmth and life to this planet, but is hell on Autistic eyes. For me it can be blinding, and I often forget my sunglasses. Sunglasses are the only way I can get around in comfort.  When I forget them, and on particularly bad days, I have to be led around outside. The worst days are overcast and the light just has this unappealing sad glare.  Snow makes things even worse.
Subdued lighting is most comforting. I leave the blinds to my windows closed all year. My house must appear deserted. I can read by a lantern and make my way through dark woods on a clear night.  I find that low light are the most comfortable and fluorescents are the harshest. Fluorescent lights cause eye pain that leads to migraines

When I had my own car driving at night was terrifying.  I would have a hard times seeing the lines on the road. When it rained I was mortified. The droplets of water would refract the head and tail lights of other cars and the line would completely disappear. On one of these nights I got into a wreck. I was sideswiped by a large RAM truck on the right side of my car.  I had bruises and popped blood vessels so big they looked like The Blueridge Mountains on my body.  Driving has become far too discomforting.

~~~~~~~~

Eye contact puts me into a state of distress and I always avert my gaze. Autistic people have to look past a person to be able to understand them. I will miss what you are telling me if I have to look you in the eye.  I remember as a child my parents telling me to look them in the eye when being reprimanded. I would end up being forced to look at them. Facing someone gives me anxiety, so please sit next to me.

 
As a child I was easily transfixed by dust floating in a shaft of light and light playing on water. The reflection shapes in a pool are enchanting. I have always enjoyed the way water plays with light. My favorite is light on a clear stream bed. It’s totally Zen and my problems float away like a leaf into the horizon.

I will leave you with this….Ode to the Rock in the Sky.
               
  My favorite nights are when the sky is clear and the moon full. I love the ethereal light it shines. It’s like moment forever frozen in time. After all, we are made of stars.



PS I am having a hard time wanting to do anything lately.  What used to give me joy now feels dead.  I know that I am suffering from depression and I know I will pull through. It’ll take time but I’ll get there.


Dance, Dance Resolution.



I love to dance. I love the ballroom floor. I love my dance shoes. But most of all I love swing dance! It’s the closest thing I will ever feel to flying like a bird, flowing freely on the air. The sad thing is, the truth is……Clonopin has made me very unsteady on my feet.  I fall up the stairs and down.

Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore.  I went off the terrible drug. I am still feeling the effects of detox which can last weeks to years.  My blood pressure is so low I get tired climbing the stairs. I am still shaky. These things will pass as they always do.  Soon I will be back to the real me.

Dance is like a drug. It makes me happier than Clonopin ever will. When I dance endorphins rush through my synapses. I actually smile, pure joy!  I am making my was back to the dance floor!

Edit

 Relationships.

“Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.”

Michael Murdock

 

There are 3 romantic relationship in my life that I think have partially shaped who I am.  Relationship have always been a hard thing for me. I think it has to do with anxiety, not always being able to put my feelings into words, and having problems with physical touch. These are the 3 main ones.  

The first was a relationship that left many scars.  I married him at 22. This is far to young for a girl who doesn’t really know herself or what she wants. I only married him because I thought no one else could love me.

He was a musician and an addict.  His whole day revolved around his smoking schedule. Coming second to pot, I always thought he was nicer to me when he was high. We were married only a year when I found my voice to speak up for myself.  He hated losing control.  After that things became verbally abusive so I left and divorced his ass.  I was too good for him.

Second there was Greg.  he was also Autistic and we had been best friends in high school. He was rigidly unwavering with rules and plans.Once we had to do 4 museums in Washington in one day. This required a whole lot of walking and dealing with people. Sad enough to say I got extremely sick and overpowered with everything coming into my brain. I thought I was on Death’s door.  He loved history so much that he had studied anthropology in school and held a job in archaeology. 

Greg was a very anxious and persistent . Being a avid computer lover he was addicted to World of Warcraft and would would play for hours everyday.

Honestly I couldn’t stand his rigidity, though I am also ridged on some things.  I felt so bad and a part of me will always love him.

The third is my current relationship.His name is Van and being with him is a breath of fresh air. Teaching me the real meaning of love he allows me freedom to be myself. Autism and all.Van takes care of me and keeps me safe.  He has created a place where I feel open and free. We are honest and patient with each other.

Now I know what I needed all along was a love who wants me to thrive and succeed.  

Our story is still being written.

All in all, I have learned from my past. I have grown beyond what I thought I could be. And I have a job interview tomorrow!  Lets hope for the best!

 

 

P.S.  All three guys were the youngest sibling in their family. I don’t know what that means?