Airing Out Dirty Laundry

I’ve  always based my self-worth on what people think of me. Who likes me or who loves me.  My partner is this so I must be also. It felt like bragging rights. I wanted people to admire me.  Growing up my father always told me how smart and pretty I was. He said I could get a smart man with money. I was supposed to be taken care of.  Recently, I’ve been having these feelings again and they bother me. Honestly, they terrify me.  

Part of it is thinking I was better than others because of who I’ve been with. I was better than others and lately this false belief almost made me lose the man I love.  He is truly my equal. He loves me, problems and all, we support each other in hard times, we understand each other, and we’re on the same wavelength.  

When we are together I never think this way. I feel content and happy. It’s when I’m alone these thoughts sneak up on me. They make me sick and I obsess about them to no end. (I have OCD) I want my mind to be quieter and stop pushing these thoughts forward.  Sometimes they are so strong I believe them…but I still fight.  I have to know that they aren’t real and they are thoughts that distress me the most. OCD thought aren’t real and that’s the only belief that gets me through life. Don’t believe them EVER! You will lose control.

I want to challenge this broken way of thinking and become that much healthier in my mind. I want to find balance. I am not above others. Everyone has equal worth in this world. I know one man can not be everything I need, he’s human. I’m human and I accept that I can’t be everything to everybody, no matter what my mind tells me.

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Words of Wisdom. Things I have learned through a life with Autism.

One must take the idea of what their life should be, rip it up, and live what their life really is. You do not live your life for the opinion of others. Do what feels right. That’s is healing. 

We are allowed to mess up, it’s human, you must realize that every human makes decisions they are not proud of, and people that are good for us will forgive and understand.

We can only control ourselves and sometimes when we try to control others, we lose what we love.

Don’t let someone else dictate your normal.

I feel that the best things you can do are, live from moment to moment, be ok with your feeling because they’re natural, just let yourself feel, remember you’re not alone, and tomorrow is a new day. The sun always rises.

Life is a state of impermanence, death is not. Enjoy life the best you know how.

  Tickle people when you can.

Sub-human

For most people sex is a fundamental part of life. People enjoy it. Everyone says a healthy relationship has sex. Sex is healthy.
But, for me it is terrifying. Only a handful of times have been enjoyable. The rest are sad and remind me that I have a problem. It’s scary and brings me shame. This shame stems from avoiding sex and not enjoying it. I haven’t had sex in months and I don’t have a desire to. God, I wish I could be different. 
I love my fiancĂ© and I want to spend my life with him… I want to wake up with him every morning. I love him more than my own life. I cannot give him what he deserves or needs. I can’t perform the one thing that defines human existence. I lack the connection, I am subhuman.
Part of me feels like the fairest this is to let him go. Let him find a woman to marry that can give him a family. He’s always wanted that and I want that for him too. I don’t want him to give up on children because I cannot have them, let alone take care of myself completely. He’d be sad, but he’d heal.
He takes care of me, he pays my bills, buys my food, and spoils me. He does this because he loves me. But it is unfair. I am unfair. I am greedy to want to hold on. But, I cannot let go.
He insists that he wants only me. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t know better. He’d find a better life without me… 
We keep this on the hush. It’s too embarrassing for me to talk about. The shame I feel has no bounds…

Immature Responses to Comments Some People Make.

You tried bleach enemas? I want to punch you in the face.
Oh, your niece has autism? You must be an expert. Teach me all about it. *walk away giving her the bird.*
“She’s too pretty to be Autistic?” You’re too dumb to live.
Vaccines? STFU.
Am I like Rain Man? No, do you represent all of People with Neurotypicality.
Person suffering from Autism? Not at all, I love my kind of crazy! You suffer from ignorant.
“You have to say “person” with Autism. Calling people Autistic is as bad as racial slurs.” 

You can’t tell me how to identify myself. Person first yourself!
No empathy? Empathize this!
Your child will never be normal? Why are you so freaking narrow minded. Adjust you perceptions of normal.

Things that have been said to me that no autistic child should hear.


-“Stop rubbing your face.” 

It’s a stim.

-“Why can’t you be more like your NT sibling?”

Because, Autism. I’m me not her.

-“If you can’t behave we are going to send you away.”
Please don’t… I love you.
-“Why can’t you be normal?”
Because, Autism.
-“How many times do I have to tell you?”
Several because I am in my own little world. I’m not a bad kid.
-“Look me in the eye when you talk to me.”
It causes me distress.
-“What’s wrong with you?”
Nothing, I’m just different.
-“Why can’t you stop talking?”
Because I am really happy.
-“How can you expect the keep a man when all you talk about is rabbits?”
Now that’s just rude!
-“Why do you have to be so weird?”
Again, I’m different and I embrace that. 
-“No one will ever love you because you are so difficult.” Or ” You are so hard to love.”

Things Aspies would never say.

“Like OMG!  Like, Landon, is having a party tonight and, like, he is sooooo totally hot!  Do you wanna go?! We could totally take Smirnoff Ice and get sooooo hammered!!!”
“Dude, dude. I have these amazing tickets to go see the Steelers in there home city!”
“I would love to go on an airplane, they are so relaxing. I like being so close to people that you can smell them. I love being breathed on.”
“Group hug!”
“I love when the teacher asks us to form a group!”
“We’re all a little Autistic!”
“At least you don’t have Autism.”
“Ass-burgers!”